Pain. Why is it still there? I’m not talking about the physical pain but rather emotionally. I have tried many things to reduce the pain but it keeps coming back.
The more I tried to ignore it, the worst it get. I think I’m the most emotional guy in this planet. Haha. I’ve been living alone in this flat for more than a year & still have not overcome the pain of the divorce. Looks like it is going to take a longer period of time to heal this crushed heart of mine.
Keeping myself busy with work doesn’t help at all. I got more tired & by the time I reach home from work, I felt so empty. I miss those days where I reach home & able to see my beloved family waiting for me & whatever tiredness in me will be gone the moment I see them.
All these are symptoms of loneliness. I’m not denying it at all & have been battling it since day one way back in late 2008. It’s just that I’m frustrated at having this pain. I was hoping that someday it will go away or reduce after some time. But NO! it did not reduce one bit! It keeps coming back again & again.
I’m begining to worry about my mental health. I’m sure that having bad mental health can lead to some disastrous physical health after some time. I may be wrong about this though but it’s a worry which I cannot take for granted.
I think my problem is that I’m not happy with my life. I tried to be happy doing things that I like but that lasted for a short while only. It’s not permanent. Everytime I’m not happy, I will look back at my old happy life with my family & then reassured myself that the happy life is gone forever now.
I believed that there is a way to overcome this. For once, I have to admit that putting away all the old pictures/albums of me & ex together away into a sealed box will do good for myself. This box will then to be put somewhere in one corner & to be open once a year for memory sake. The purpose of opening the box once a year is because I want it to remind me how it feels like to have a family. As I mentioned before that I don’t intend to have another family anymore (keeping my promise made to my ex-wife when I married her).
The first step in doing that will be very difficult to execute. I will do it but it is going to take a while because I don’t have anyone for moral support & I practically doing it on my own free will. First step will be at my work place. I still have many of her pictures at my workstation. Can you believe that after so many months. Second place will be at my current home. Last place will be in my computer & handphone. This I need to burn the pictures into DVDs & store them away for yearly viewing.
Wow.. that’s a tough task to execute!! Wish me luck everyone because I think I’m going to need it to do this well. But then, I wonder if after doing all this, will it help me reduce the pain? I don’t know because I still need to see ex-wife face to face when I fetch my daughter Aria Sheza every week. Come to think about it, seeing her once a week is much better than everyday seeing her pictures. I’m sure with seeing her less, the pain that I’m having right now will reduce.
Enough for now. I will post again after I suceeded in putting away all her pictures in the sacred BOX.!
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