: Life as a Single Dad (Abah) :

It has come to this phase where I need to let my gut’s thought out again in writing in this personal blog of mine. Over the years, it has been the only outlet for me to let loose everything that has been buried deep down where no one ever knows of its existence.

It’s been slightly over 3 months since my last updates & I can’t sustain the enormous strength needed to keep it under control anymore. Emotions have taken over & succumbed to the inevitable – Silent Screaming in this blog!!

It’s been a frustrating few months trying to calm my volatile emotions with regards to my ex-wife’s free spirited happiness.

As some of you may know that we went separate way on mutual agreement after taking in great consideration of our daughter Aria Sheza. Our divorce is a peaceful process. There’s no screaming, fighting or war of words between us. Both of us agreed that the need to be friends is very important & essential for our daughter, for her happiness during her growing up years. Now she is happy with her life & I’m happy for her too. However, even though we are divorced, the love I have for her is still quite strong. My love for her is eternal & nothing can ever change it. The feelings I have for her is still the same when I married her back in 2004. I love her. Sadly to say, in December 2009, we step down our married status from lovers to friends.

For the sake of our daughter, we become friends & all the feelings I have for her are buried silently in my torn heart.  It isn’t easy to become just friends when you still have feelings for her. The fact that I still see & communicate with her on weekly basis doesn’t really help soothing the pain I’m carrying daily whenever she communicate or meet me regarding my daughter. In fact, I really do miss her a lot. Every time we communicate, I felt happy & excited but the thought of us not together is a mental distress for me. There’s nothing I can do to make all these better for myself. I can’t stop the friendship because of my daughter. Sheza’s future depends on this friendship.  There’s no other ways that I can do to change how I feel for her. Looking at it, the mental suffering that I can’t escape for the rest of my life will eventually eat me up slowly.

To make matter worst, I don’t have the ability & will, to open up myself to another person as I have stop believing having to be loved by another person wholeheartedly. I have been twice bitten by love; my previous 1st engagement & this marriage. I have lost faith in people’s love. They are not eternal as I would like them to be. I will never put myself in this situation ever again & with that, it’s been decided that I’ve pledged myself to be single for the rest of my life. My last 2 updates did mention on this in detail.

To add sugar on this, lately, she has been dating for the few past months.  It’s been 3 years since the separation in November 2008 & she’s entitled to date anyone. I truly understand her needs to date anyone. Any man who has feelings for a person would be hurt & sad when the person he has feelings with dates another person than him. Every time, I see her updates in facebook about dating a guy, I felt so sad & hurt. I can’t even do anything about it but suffer in silent.

Looking at the future, vision of it is a very scary thought for me. How do I cope when she finally found a potential future husband? How am I going to control my emotions? Am I going to be this vulnerable for the rest of my life? Will Sheza be happy in the inclusion of a step father in her life? Will I ever trust him to take care of my daughter? Will I be ever feel happiness again? There are a lot of questions about the future that I don’t know.

There’s no solution on what I’m going through now. My daughter’s future & my ex-wife happiness is all I care about even though I’m in the verge of mental distress. This is indeed a tough phase to break through & I’m really struggling with it. Sometimes I wish there’s someone out there who are in the similar situation like myself. I would like to meet this person on how he overcomes this situation.  Maybe there are one in 10 million people similar to my situation. The problem lies with me, not my ex-wife or my daughter. So I don’t blame them but myself, myself, myself!!! Why do I still love her? Am I wrong to love her? How I wish I can control love feelings! Nobody can!

To be continue..

I don’t know why but I feel like writing this in my blog. I’ve noticed lately that the love we have for each other is huge. By the way, I’m not refering to MWR (Man Woman Relationship (haha)). I’m actually refering to my daughter. Let me explain further.

The past few weekends with Sheza has been a roller coaster ride for both of us. I’ve been strict with her about discipline & have been scolding her for the mistake she had made so far. As much as I don’t like to show my stern or disapointment face, I know I need to for her own good.

I don’t know how the other kids around her age reacted when they get a scolding from their parents. In my school, when I scolded a child, normally they get scared or unbothered & most don’t show any sadness at all.

I find Sheza’s reaction a little different somehow when compared with the kids at my school. But really, it’s also quite unfair to compare Sheza with the kids in my school because my relationship with Sheza grows from the day she was born. She had known me as a loving person who seldom scold her.

There’s always this fear that the more I scolded her, the lesser she would want to spend time with me. After weeks of scolding as well as showing care & concern, that fear doesn’t exist anymore. I was wrong. We are closer than ever.

For example, today incident, I scolded her for refusing to go to sleep as it is already midnite. She had insisted in watching the tv. I was so angry that I switch on the lights, turn on the tv & increase the volume. I’ve raised my voice & tell her to sit up straight & go watch her precious tv show. I was been sarcastic with her by doing that & hoping she can get the underlying message of my dissapproval. I then sit from a far at the corner of the bed with my black face & facing the other way.

Sheza did what I told her to do. She sit up straight but constantly looking at me looking for my approving look. I refused to look at her but at the corner of my eyes, I can see that she was still looking at me looking so sad than ever. At this particular moment, I realised she knows that I am angry & disappointed at her attitude. True enough, she sob & speak to me in a very sad tone, “Abah, I’m sorry. I love you Abah.” She then hugged me & repeatedly saying, “I love you Abah”.

The feeling of anger & disappointment that was earlier very high just dissappeared. My heart sank & filled with so much love that tears started to drop. I hugged her & said sorry to her. It hurts so much scolding a child that you love so much but it hurts even deeper knowing the child you scolded actually don’t wish to make you angry & disappointed in the first place & still have the initiative to say sorry & expressed her love for her Abah verbally to make the situation better for her & her Abah.

The bond between me & my daughter gets stronger everyday. She’s a very good girl & I  thank Allah s.w.t for giving me & my ex wife such a wonderful loving daughter. I wish I can do more for her.

By the way, after that episode, she fell asleep on my chest as I wrapped her around my arm. It was really a touching emotional heart warming feeling that I’ve never felt before especially after the anger episode. Aria Sheza.. Abah love you soo muchhhh…….