So now, what should I update you? I think it’s better for me to categorise things about my life. Ok, here’s how it’s going to be.

_________________________________________________________

Divorce – The Post Trauma
As much as I want it to be over, I know it will take some time to really get over it. Let’s face it. I’m afterall human being with feelings & humans don’t get over sensitive things like divorce very easily. I have acknowledged it with an open heart. In fact, it’s quite normal in our society.

One thing I know for sure now, it’s not as painful as before the first time I felt it when my ex wife dumped me in late 2008. Hahaha. It’s coming to 2 years now. So now, I’m still figuring it out on what to do for the rest of my life. I have a few personal plans but has not decided on the finalised plan. I will reveal the plans later maybe on my next update.

That’s all for I have on the Divorce section. I’m not fully recovered from it. There are still some pain left in me but I’m coping well with it at the moment.

The Precious Child – Aria Sheza
Well, I’m sure most of you would have known how I adore my little daughter. I love her so much that I feel I will die if anything is to happen to her. A father’s love for his child is unmeasurable by any known measuring instruments. That’s how deep I love my kiddo.

The fact that I see her only on weekends doesn’t help reducing my mental stress I’m experiencing daily. Life do has its way of  balancing happiness & sadness. It’s feel strange sometimes.

The joy of seeing my daughter on weekends is beyond normal happiness. The short time I have with her break me hard without fail. I love to hug & kiss her all the time during this short time for fear of parting is nearing every single seconds that are passing.

I’m trying to learn to cope with this every week. I have one fear though especially when my kiddo grows up. She will start to feel the way I feel weekly & I’m forever fearful & worried if she can cope with it for I myself is struggling to cope.

Love Life
I can only laugh about this topic for now. The ideal stage of having to love & to be loved is what everyone wants but not everyone will achieve this. I’m one of those people who has not achieve the ideal love life. When I was married before, I thought I did but it didn’t last that long isn’t it. Hahaha.. I do have one part right though that is having to love someone unconditionally. I still love my ex-wife for that matter.

As much as I don’t want to get involve in loving another woman right now, that would be seen as stupid, dumb or whatever phrases you can think of to some people. In fact I have to agree with them. Loneliness is a killer. After been married for 6 long years, I know what’ve been missing the past one year plus living alone on my own in the empty house.

The fact that I’m a man makes matter worst. We men got needs if you know what I’m referring to. Hahahaha. So I don’t see myself staying single forever. Hahaha. Now, seriously I only see myself getting married again probably when I’m reaching 40 years old. There are valid reasons to why I will take such a long time to get married again. Hahaha.

For one, I will not be looking for a wife. If it comes, it will come. With this mindset, it will take a long time to get hitch. Hahaha. Secondly, I won’t get myself married to single woman because it won’t be fair to them since I’m considered one & half guy. A man with a child. Hahaha. Thirdly, I found out that I have problem loving another person & the fact that I’m still in love with my ex-wife.

Hahahaha. That’s all I can do about this topic.. Laugh.

WorkLife – Great Satisfaction!
Hmm, I love my work here in school. However, there is this fear that it may not be permanent as the work I’m involved with now is actually a contracted agreement between MOE & my company ASPIRE! . With that in mind, I need to have a backup plan in case my fear do take place probably in 3 to 4 years time when the contract ends with MOE.

But as long as MOE & ASPIRE! is still in contract, I will continue enjoying my work here in school. I have no intention of going anywhere unless I’m doing my own business & be my own boss. That’s actually my goal in life.

In the meantime, I have a small goal to achieve. I think it’s time for me to balance work at school as well as contributing my time to the company as much as I can since the company is the one who gave me the opportunity to work in the school in the first place & I have gained many valuable experience from it. But this will be done cautiously as I still need to balance whatever time I have left with the school, my company & my family.

Hobby – Soccer Freakizout
I thought I should add this here as well. My life since my active national service time in 1998 to 2008, I have minimal interest in soccer except during the world cup. Now, ever since the great D day (Divorce Day), my life has been filled with soccer related stuffs.

Last year in the early 2009, I decided to support a great superb soccer team Tottenham Hotspur from English Premier League or now they call it Barclay Premier League. This year is the World Cup again & I’m supporting England for its quest for World Cup glory.

___________________________________________________________

Hmm, this mid year update ends here. I’m sorry of it’s to long for you to read. Don’t worry, if you happens to read this sentence, congratulation! It’s the end for now. Hehehe. See ya soon.!

Sheza had just finish her bath & was changing to her pyjamas in my ex-wife’s room. I sat on the sofa waiting for Sheza to come out. I heard she shouted “Abah.. Abah.. Abah..” a few minutes later because earlier in the room her mommy told her that I was coming to visit her. She was so excited shouting for me without realising that I was actually beside her.

I call for her & she finally realised I was beside her when she turn her head to her left. She become more excited than before & kiss my right hand showing her respect to me. She then hug me & I kiss her forehead. Her face is full of white powder like those chinese opera people. Hahaha. Thanks to her mommy that her face is so white! I really miss my cutie pie a lot. I bought for her a Mickey Mouse ClubHouse colouring book. Sheza love Mickey mouse & she was delighted when I showed it to her. Her face glow.

I went to her room to spend time with her. To my surprise, Sheza’s vocabulary is getting bigger. She showed me shapes & say it out loud. I’m not talking about simple shapes like triangle, square, rectangle, circle. She mastered that long ago. I’m talking about semi-circles, crescent, oval etc.. Oh my god, she really can recognise the shapes!!

She even memorise the doa/prayer for sleeping! For her age, she has done well for herself. I really have to thank her mommy for teaching her all the words & doa. I have always know her mommy to be a good teacher. She always know how to induce interest in kid’s learning experience. She was an ex MOE teacher & for that I’m very greatful that she can teach Sheza very well.

We continue playing with each other via acting, making funny sounds, watch videos from my mobile phone & so on. It was definitely so much fun with her around. She never stop making me laugh & smile. I was happy seeing her happy & having fun with me. Times up! I did not even feel it & it’s already 1.5 hours gone. It’s time for her sleep. The clock reads 9.30pm.

During the playtime, she mentioned many times “go Abah’s house” repeatedly & I keep telling her today Sheza is sleeping at mommy’s place. Abah only came to visit & not to fetch Sheza to Abah’s house. When it’s time for me to go, she wants to follow me. Her mommy is in the room as well. Sheza cried wanting to follow me home. She cried & tears start to roll down.

I hate seeing her cry. I told her that Abah is going to fetch her on the next Saturday & will give her chocolate. Mommy told her that she can watch youtube with her. She then stop crying after much bargaining with our promises.

I know Sheza misses me a lot & I miss her too. I kiss her all over her face & hug her a couple of times. She kiss my hand before we finally departed unwillingly. My heart felt so heavy & I wish I can be with my daughter forever. I had to force myself out of the house. I went from being happy to sad instantly. The day is over.

I shall stop here. Anyway, referencing from my previous post, I have yet to remove the pictures from my workstation in school. Didn’t I told you that it will take some time for me to succeed! hehe.. So don’t rush me ya!!

The more I tried to ignore it, the worst it get. I think I’m the most emotional guy in this planet. Haha. I’ve been living alone in this flat for more than a year & still have not overcome the pain of the divorce. Looks like it is going to take a longer period of time to heal this crushed heart of mine.

Keeping myself busy with work doesn’t help at all. I got more tired & by the time I reach home from work, I felt so empty. I miss those days where I reach home & able to see my beloved family waiting for me & whatever tiredness in me will be gone the moment I see them.

All these are symptoms of loneliness. I’m not denying it at all & have been battling it since day one way back in late 2008. It’s just that I’m frustrated at having this pain. I was hoping that someday it will go away or reduce after some time. But NO! it did not reduce one bit! It keeps coming back again & again.

I’m begining to worry about my mental health. I’m sure that having bad mental health can lead to some disastrous physical health after some time. I may be wrong about this though but it’s a worry which I cannot take for granted.

I think my problem is that I’m not happy with my life. I tried to be happy doing things that I like but that lasted for a short while only. It’s not permanent. Everytime I’m not happy, I will look back at my old happy life with my family & then reassured myself that the happy life is gone forever now.

I believed that there is a way to overcome this. For once, I have to admit that putting away all the old pictures/albums of me & ex together away into a sealed box will do good for myself. This box will then to be put somewhere in one corner & to be open once a year for memory sake. The purpose of opening the box once a year is because I want it to remind me how it feels like to have a family. As I mentioned before that I don’t intend to have another family anymore (keeping my promise made to my ex-wife when I married her).

The first step in doing that will be very difficult to execute. I will do it but it is going to take a while because I don’t have anyone for moral support & I practically doing it on my own free will. First step will be at my work place. I still have many of her pictures at my workstation. Can you believe that after so many months. Second place will be at my current home. Last place will be in my computer & handphone. This I need to burn the pictures into DVDs & store them away for yearly viewing.

Wow.. that’s a tough task to execute!! Wish me luck everyone because I think I’m going to need it to do this well. But then, I wonder if after doing all this, will it help me reduce the pain? I don’t know because I still need to see ex-wife face to face when I fetch my daughter Aria Sheza every week. Come to think about it, seeing her once a week is much better than everyday seeing her pictures. I’m sure with seeing her less, the pain that I’m having right now will reduce.

Enough for now. I will post again after I suceeded in putting away all her pictures in the sacred BOX.!

Although I know that I have to work  every Saturday morning due to the CDAC Tuition at school, it is still better than any other days. Some of you who have been following my updates probably already know the reason to why I regard Saturdays as my sweetest day.

For those who are still clueless, it is because of my daughter that I like every Saturday. It’s the day that I will get to see my daughter during the weekends. After going through the seperation & divorce with my ex, the days that I spend my time with my daughter is regarded as my precious moments of all time. Nothing can beat the satisfaction of seeing my own daughter Aria Sheza.

I want to be the best father that I can for her.  The effect of the divorce has yet to reach her because she is too young to understand it. I know that when she grow up, she will start asking many questions to why Abah & Mommy don’t live together like her friends’ parents. I tried to write down the possible questions that she might ask so that when the times come, I will be prepared to answer her all of her queries & doubts pertaining to the divorce.

I’m a worried father when it comes to my daughter. Her well being is always put forward first before others. She’s all that I have. My blood. My Life. My Precious. I have never wanted to put her in this situation. Agreeing to the divorce mutually is also for her own goods. Imagine if I disagree to the divorce, a war will break out between me & my ex, & eventually the divorce will still go through but the relationship will be tarnished & my daughter will suffers. I don’t want that to happen to her.

As it is, the divorce is mutual, me & my ex is still on talking terms. We don’t fight like other divorced couple we see nowadays. Both of us are still working towards  our daughter’s happiness even though we know a divorce always end up the other way.

However, I do not know the effect of the divorce with this unique circumstances. I do not know how she will turn out to be. I don’t know the future. Everyday I think about it fearing & asking myself that if the best my ex & I did for her enough to make her a succesful person when she grows up.

It’s a worry that has been hunting me ever since the seperation in Nov 2008. All I can do now is do my best as a father & do more than what a normal father would do. Many people have told me that she will turn out ok but that is not enough to assure me of her happiness.  I always ask myself to why all this is happening her. What did my daughter do to deserve this at a young age.  I don’t ask for this & neither did her. Why??

Only Allah Knows the reason for I still believe there’s always a reason for every things that happen in your life. Should end here because I’m meeting my cutie pie daughter later!! Yeahh…

Today, I  accompanied a group of primary one & two pupils to the Little Arts Academy at Selegie Road for their Arts Enrichment lessons. As little as they are which I find most of them so cute & fun to communicate with. Their cute voices really reminds me of my little 2 year old daughter Sheza.

Anyway, the pupils are divided into their own level. I took charge for the primary two pupils while the other teacher took the primary one pupils. My kids did the painting first. They were enjoying themselves with the paintings. I sat at one corner looking at them having so much fun. Everyone is pratically doing it with happiness. Their faces really shows their eagerness to participate in the lessons.

When it’s time to pack & clean up the area before proceeding to the Drama lessons, I noticed one particular girl cleaning & scrubing the the table & chairs to wipe off the paints. From the time, they were told to clean up to the time they moved to the next lesson, this girl never stop cleaning. She scrubs & scrubs, wipe the table, wash the palletes & brushes. While the rest has stop after they did their part, this girl continue to help the other pupils to clean up. I was like wow..! She is a hardworking girl.

As I was admiring her good work attitude, it reminded me of my ownself. I was like her. Love to help, clean & organise. I began to wonder what makes her the way she is & what make me the way I am. Family is the answer. I have a happy & loving complete family when I was about her age & I assume she too has the same kind of family background. However, it’s just a assumption.

The more I think about the family(Dad, Mom & Siblings) , I realised I’m begining to think about my own family (Sheza & my ex-wife) too. It’s a broken family. We don’t live together anymore. My emotions start to run wild. I was feeling hurt & down by the time we were in the bus heading back to school.

I miss them so much. I miss having my own family. I miss having someone to love me back. I miss all of it. It’s a very painful feeling. Is this a symptom of loneliness? I do not know. But I know I miss them a lot. Am I losing my mind? Am I losing my sanity? What’s wrong with me? These are the questions that I asked myself when I feel this down. All the time, I don’t have the answers to my own questions.

I sent a message to my ex-wife asking how they were lately. She replied that both of them are fine & that they are now outside karaoke-ing with her sister, her sister’s fiance, Sheza & her mum. In the past, I’m always there with them doing things together. But now, I’m not in the picture anymore. Somehow, I feel rejected, useless, despair & low self esteem.

Negativity always has its way into my life. No matter how positive I can be, there will always be a time like this to happen. Positively, I think it’s good to feel this way because only then will I know I still love my ex-wife & Sheza. So now back to the question, “Do I Have The Loneliness Syndrome?”

I Don’t Know Lah!!!!

I have to say that it is not easy battling loneliness when I’m are so used to having someone by my side always. Everyday without failed, I will think of her, my ex-wife, of what is she doing currently & so on. Basically, I miss having a loving family by my side. A wife & daughter to love me unconditionally. I admit I am mising them so much to a point that I cried thinking about it instantly.

However, so many things have happened this month alone. I was swarmed with lots of work,  my company’s activities & my personal life. I’m practically juggling time with tons of work in school, my cluster leader job & weekends with my daughter. I went crazy at daily basis & I know this has to stop!

After much thinking & evaluating the situation, I decided to step down my role as Cluster Leader so that I’m able to focus more on my school’s work & my daughter. Things are getting better now. Sometimes I wonders to myself to why I accepted the post in the first place. Later I realised that it has to do with my divorced.

The thing is subconsciously, I took up the role so that I can keep myself busy & not thinking about the pain & sorrows of my divorced. Now I know it’s a wrong move by me. In fact, I got depressed because of it. My moral was so low that I wasn’t eager to go to work anymore. This is unlike me so I know I have to let go of it even though I know I will lose the allowance for the post. I don’t care & wants my self esteem back badly.

Moving on is a slow process. I will be selling the house next month or so. I will then move back to my old place in Woodlands temporarily for 2 years before getting my own house again when I reach the age of 35.

It will be another busy months ahead with moving house & those annoying HDB procedure appointments etcs.. Arrg..

I know I need to put in more effort on realising that my ex-wife won’t come back to me anymore & I really need to move on if I ever want happiness in my life. It won’t be easy to stop loving her but I know I have to in order to get on with my life. After months of efforts in forgetting her, I’m still not able to find a way & failed miserably.

I can’t force myself to hate her because she’s the mother of my daughter. I don’t want my daughter to suffer if I do that. Somehow as I search for answers to my problems for months, I realised that I can never stop loving her even though how much I want to. It simply cannot be done at all. So I will give up trying to stop loving her & focus on other meaningful things like making sure my daughter grow up normal even though her Abah & Mommy are divorced.

My love for my ex-wife is eternal forever & that cannot be change. I know I have kept my promise that I will still love her no matter what happen. That promise is now been clearly shown in this circumstances. I have kept my promise to her & that really makes me happy which is kind of weird when you look at it at different perspective.

So is that an indication that I have or on my way in moving on with my life? I think it is. The fact that I’m able to accept the fact that I’m still in love with her & that she won’t come back to me ever, has made me focus on my daughter more than ever. The fact that all these has made me think about others than myself really are indication of me moving on with life.

However, as good as it sounds on moving on in my life, I am still unable to open my heart to love anyone yet. I’m sure it will take a long time before I can even open a small window of my heart. I have lost faith in receiving love from others especially when they promised it’s for eternal life. I’ve learned the hard way & will be making sure it won’t ever happen to me ever again. Never!!!

I’ve finally completed my divorce proceeding two weeks ago on the 4th Dec 09. I’m single again for the 2nd time in my life. I’m also a single dad for the 1st time. Haha. I just hope my ex wife is happy now that we are divorced. Seeing her happy will make me happy indirectly even though deep inside me still feeling sad that we are no more together. My love for her still stand strong since the day I said it to her more than 5 years ago.

However, amidst all the happiness that my ex wife gain from the divorce, I’m very worried about my daughter, Aria Sheza. I hope as she grows older, she won’t be affected with the divorce. As a parent, I want her to grow like a normal kid with both parents by her side. Now that I can’t give her a normal life in a normal home, I have promised myself to be there always for her when needed.

My next step will be selling my house & move back to my parent’s place temporary. I’ll get my own place when I reach the age of 35 & that will be in 2 years 4 months time. Haha. I will definitely going to miss living in Toa Payoh after I move back to Woodlands.

I’m actually looking forward to the year 2010. I can feel it in my bone that it is going to be a good year for me. My utmost priority will be for my daughter Sheza. What ever things that I will be doing in year 2010 will be for her. So I must say Sheza will play a big part in my life’s progress from now on.

I have yet to mention to why my marriage failed terribly. Well, I’m not going to tell you today though. Hahaha. What I can say now is that you have to wait till next year June 2010 to know why my marrriage failed.

I have talked to many people & opening up to them about how my divorce got started initially. It’s quite surprising for me to find out later that it’s a very common issue among many of us especially in this generation. This issue does not only affect the married ones but also the single people!! Ya!! Surprising indeed! So keep on guessing on what make my marriage failed. Haha. But please take note that this is only one of the many reasons for my failed marriage. There are more minor reasons which make it worst. I will tell you the main reason followed by the minor ones next year June.

I shall stop here for now. See you in the next post. Have a great day!

ok.. here’s why.. The fact is I’m struggling battling with myself. My emotions & sorrows.. which is indirectly related to HER & my daughter.. It’s a long story about me & my thoughts. There is one time that I was so down that I feel like ending my life. Luckily, I still believe in my religion & Allah swt. If not I won’t be writing this updates & probably now be under the ground 7 feet below. Haha..

Right now, my divorce proceeding is c0ming to an end this coming Friday on the 4th Dec 09. We are the mediation stage & if everything is been agreed upon between me & her, the divorce will take in effect the same day & I will be getting a new certificate. Certificate of Divorce!

A lot of things will happen after the Divorce. Sab & me will be selling the flat & I will be moving back to my parent’s place until I get my own place when I’m 35 years old. A lot of packing to be done. Haiz.. There is a possibility of a garage sale too as I need to clear away the big items in the house.

I will be taking 2 weeks annual leave in december from work, everything & everyone. I will be spending my time with my daughter Sheza for the 1st week & the 2nd week, I will be spending alone to rest my mind & thoughts doing self reflection cum meditation at some place (Shoo.. It’s a secret known to me only!) Haha..

So what else has happened this last 1 month plus? oh ya.. Surprisingly, I was appointed cluster leader for E5 cluster. Out of no where, my zone manager give me a surprised call to inform me of my appointment. I’m supposed to be assistant by an assistant cluster leader to help me but the position is still vacant. So currently, I’m a lone ranger trying to organise a cluster meeting at my school this coming Thursday on the 3rd Dec 09. Just my luck!!

I better stop here because I realised this update is getting longer & longer. Again, I promised to update more often from today since I’m more relaxed & more free now that the school is closed. Stay connected!!

I learned a new skill using the Photoshop software. Googled it online & now I know how to blend pictures so nicely. Yeah.. So happy it turned out nice.

Today turned out to be a good day for me. It’s very rare I get a chance to feel happy everyday because normally there would be a time in a day where I will feel very depressed. This is good news for me as it shows that I’m heading to the correct direction & getting out from depression soon.

As I have been depressed for nearly 11 months now, I am now able to cope with depression better. I have been struggling with it for many months & now finally I see some lights coming my way. This is good for me & everyone else who are close to me.

I know I have been such an ass & a moody person for the past months & I’m very sorry about it. I was going through a rough cycle in my life. Hope those affected by my behavior do forgive me.

& at last finally, I will be filing a divorce summon on the 14th October at Syariah Court & hope all will go smoothly without any problem. To date, since I registered for divorce on the 3rd June 09, it has been a very emotional process for me. Honestly, I can’t wait for the whole process to end as it will remove a big load of burden off his shoulder.

I hope that day will come soon. I will wait.. & wait.. & wait.. for it to come..  & when it comes, my journey of a new life will begin.

So till next time.. stay tuned for my updates..

This past few months since late last year in Nov 08, many unfortunate things around me have happened. First of all, my marriage of 5 years has failed & I am currently in the process of a divorce proceeding. My wife left me & took my daughter along with her. Yeah. I know it suck! but life still have to go. I don’t wish to explain more on how my marriage failed right now but maybe I will reveal bits & pieces as I go along.

This blog will be dedicated to my life after marriage & how it has affected me emotionally & physically. It will show my happiness, sorrows, excitement & whatever emotions that I will experience in the future. That means you will hear a lot of my crap.. Hahaha..

I will stop here for now as it is the start of my personal blogging on practically everything that will involves me & my thinking. I won’t want to spoils the suspense too early.

So now till next time..

see ya..

Wuhuuu..