* Muhammad Riduan Ramli's Unpredictable Life * * The Single Dad (Abah) *

I miss my daughter Sheza so much that I decided to visit her today at my ex-wife parent’s place. When I reach there, almost everyone is at home. My ex-father in law, ex-sister in law, my ex-wife & Sheza is at home. Only my ex-mother in law is not at home as she is working late. We greet each other. I do miss them too as it has been a while that I see them.

Sheza had just finish her bath & was changing to her pyjamas in my ex-wife’s room. I sat on the sofa waiting for Sheza to come out. I heard she shouted “Abah.. Abah.. Abah..” a few minutes later because earlier in the room her mommy told her that I was coming to visit her. She was so excited shouting for me without realising that I was actually beside her.

I call for her & she finally realised I was beside her when she turn her head to her left. She become more excited than before & kiss my right hand showing her respect to me. She then hug me & I kiss her forehead. Her face is full of white powder like those chinese opera people. Hahaha. Thanks to her mommy that her face is so white! I really miss my cutie pie a lot. I bought for her a Mickey Mouse ClubHouse colouring book. Sheza love Mickey mouse & she was delighted when I showed it to her. Her face glow.

I went to her room to spend time with her. To my surprise, Sheza’s vocabulary is getting bigger. She showed me shapes & say it out loud. I’m not talking about simple shapes like triangle, square, rectangle, circle. She mastered that long ago. I’m talking about semi-circles, crescent, oval etc.. Oh my god, she really can recognise the shapes!!

She even memorise the doa/prayer for sleeping! For her age, she has done well for herself. I really have to thank her mommy for teaching her all the words & doa. I have always know her mommy to be a good teacher. She always know how to induce interest in kid’s learning experience. She was an ex MOE teacher & for that I’m very greatful that she can teach Sheza very well.

We continue playing with each other via acting, making funny sounds, watch videos from my mobile phone & so on. It was definitely so much fun with her around. She never stop making me laugh & smile. I was happy seeing her happy & having fun with me. Times up! I did not even feel it & it’s already 1.5 hours gone. It’s time for her sleep. The clock reads 9.30pm.

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Pain. Why is it still there? I’m not talking about the physical pain but rather emotionally. I have tried many things to reduce the pain but it keeps coming back.

The more I tried to ignore it, the worst it get. I think I’m the most emotional guy in this planet. Haha. I’ve been living alone in this flat for more than a year & still have not overcome the pain of the divorce. Looks like it is going to take a longer period of time to heal this crushed heart of mine.

Keeping myself busy with work doesn’t help at all. I got more tired & by the time I reach home from work, I felt so empty. I miss those days where I reach home & able to see my beloved family waiting for me & whatever tiredness in me will be gone the moment I see them.

All these are symptoms of loneliness. I’m not denying it at all & have been battling it since day one way back in late 2008. It’s just that I’m frustrated at having this pain. I was hoping that someday it will go away or reduce after some time. But NO! it did not reduce one bit! It keeps coming back again & again.

I’m begining to worry about my mental health. I’m sure that having bad mental health can lead to some disastrous physical health after some time. I may be wrong about this though but it’s a worry which I cannot take for granted.

I think my problem is that I’m not happy with my life. I tried to be happy doing things that I like but that lasted for a short while only. It’s not permanent. Everytime I’m not happy, I will look back at my old happy life with my family & then reassured myself that the happy life is gone forever now.

I believed that there is a way to overcome this. For once, I have to admit that putting away all the old pictures/albums of me & ex together away into a sealed box will do good for myself. This box will then to be put somewhere in one corner & to be open once a year for memory sake. The purpose of opening the box once a year is because I want it to remind me how it feels like to have a family. As I mentioned before that I don’t intend to have another family anymore (keeping my promise made to my ex-wife when I married her).

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