* Muhammad Riduan Ramli's Unpredictable Life * * The Single Dad (Abah) *

Pain. Why is it still there? I’m not talking about the physical pain but rather emotionally. I have tried many things to reduce the pain but it keeps coming back.

The more I tried to ignore it, the worst it get. I think I’m the most emotional guy in this planet. Haha. I’ve been living alone in this flat for more than a year & still have not overcome the pain of the divorce. Looks like it is going to take a longer period of time to heal this crushed heart of mine.

Keeping myself busy with work doesn’t help at all. I got more tired & by the time I reach home from work, I felt so empty. I miss those days where I reach home & able to see my beloved family waiting for me & whatever tiredness in me will be gone the moment I see them.

All these are symptoms of loneliness. I’m not denying it at all & have been battling it since day one way back in late 2008. It’s just that I’m frustrated at having this pain. I was hoping that someday it will go away or reduce after some time. But NO! it did not reduce one bit! It keeps coming back again & again.

I’m begining to worry about my mental health. I’m sure that having bad mental health can lead to some disastrous physical health after some time. I may be wrong about this though but it’s a worry which I cannot take for granted.

I think my problem is that I’m not happy with my life. I tried to be happy doing things that I like but that lasted for a short while only. It’s not permanent. Everytime I’m not happy, I will look back at my old happy life with my family & then reassured myself that the happy life is gone forever now.

I believed that there is a way to overcome this. For once, I have to admit that putting away all the old pictures/albums of me & ex together away into a sealed box will do good for myself. This box will then to be put somewhere in one corner & to be open once a year for memory sake. The purpose of opening the box once a year is because I want it to remind me how it feels like to have a family. As I mentioned before that I don’t intend to have another family anymore (keeping my promise made to my ex-wife when I married her).

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Of all the days in the week, I find that Staurdays are always the sweetest day than the rest of the week.

Although I know that I have to work  every Saturday morning due to the CDAC Tuition at school, it is still better than any other days. Some of you who have been following my updates probably already know the reason to why I regard Saturdays as my sweetest day.

For those who are still clueless, it is because of my daughter that I like every Saturday. It’s the day that I will get to see my daughter during the weekends. After going through the seperation & divorce with my ex, the days that I spend my time with my daughter is regarded as my precious moments of all time. Nothing can beat the satisfaction of seeing my own daughter Aria Sheza.

I want to be the best father that I can for her.  The effect of the divorce has yet to reach her because she is too young to understand it. I know that when she grow up, she will start asking many questions to why Abah & Mommy don’t live together like her friends’ parents. I tried to write down the possible questions that she might ask so that when the times come, I will be prepared to answer her all of her queries & doubts pertaining to the divorce.

I’m a worried father when it comes to my daughter. Her well being is always put forward first before others. She’s all that I have. My blood. My Life. My Precious. I have never wanted to put her in this situation. Agreeing to the divorce mutually is also for her own goods. Imagine if I disagree to the divorce, a war will break out between me & my ex, & eventually the divorce will still go through but the relationship will be tarnished & my daughter will suffers. I don’t want that to happen to her.

As it is, the divorce is mutual, me & my ex is still on talking terms. We don’t fight like other divorced couple we see nowadays. Both of us are still working towards  our daughter’s happiness even though we know a divorce always end up the other way.

However, I do not know the effect of the divorce with this unique circumstances. I do not know how she will turn out to be. I don’t know the future. Everyday I think about it fearing & asking myself that if the best my ex & I did for her enough to make her a succesful person when she grows up.

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