Sometimes I don’t even know what ‘loneliness’ really means because I have yet to understand it fully. Let me tell you why or rather how this subject came to my mind in the first place.

Today, I  accompanied a group of primary one & two pupils to the Little Arts Academy at Selegie Road for their Arts Enrichment lessons. As little as they are which I find most of them so cute & fun to communicate with. Their cute voices really reminds me of my little 2 year old daughter Sheza.

Anyway, the pupils are divided into their own level. I took charge for the primary two pupils while the other teacher took the primary one pupils. My kids did the painting first. They were enjoying themselves with the paintings. I sat at one corner looking at them having so much fun. Everyone is pratically doing it with happiness. Their faces really shows their eagerness to participate in the lessons.

When it’s time to pack & clean up the area before proceeding to the Drama lessons, I noticed one particular girl cleaning & scrubing the the table & chairs to wipe off the paints. From the time, they were told to clean up to the time they moved to the next lesson, this girl never stop cleaning. She scrubs & scrubs, wipe the table, wash the palletes & brushes. While the rest has stop after they did their part, this girl continue to help the other pupils to clean up. I was like wow..! She is a hardworking girl.

As I was admiring her good work attitude, it reminded me of my ownself. I was like her. Love to help, clean & organise. I began to wonder what makes her the way she is & what make me the way I am. Family is the answer. I have a happy & loving complete family when I was about her age & I assume she too has the same kind of family background. However, it’s just a assumption.

The more I think about the family(Dad, Mom & Siblings) , I realised I’m begining to think about my own family (Sheza & my ex-wife) too. It’s a broken family. We don’t live together anymore. My emotions start to run wild. I was feeling hurt & down by the time we were in the bus heading back to school.

I miss them so much. I miss having my own family. I miss having someone to love me back. I miss all of it. It’s a very painful feeling. Is this a symptom of loneliness? I do not know. But I know I miss them a lot. Am I losing my mind? Am I losing my sanity? What’s wrong with me? These are the questions that I asked myself when I feel this down. All the time, I don’t have the answers to my own questions.

I sent a message to my ex-wife asking how they were lately. She replied that both of them are fine & that they are now outside karaoke-ing with her sister, her sister’s fiance, Sheza & her mum. In the past, I’m always there with them doing things together. But now, I’m not in the picture anymore. Somehow, I feel rejected, useless, despair & low self esteem.

Negativity always has its way into my life. No matter how positive I can be, there will always be a time like this to happen. Positively, I think it’s good to feel this way because only then will I know I still love my ex-wife & Sheza. So now back to the question, “Do I Have The Loneliness Syndrome?”

I Don’t Know Lah!!!!

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