Moving On

Moving on. This is what this year is all about. It’s nearly one month into the year 2010 with February fast emerging. How have I cope with life after marriage?

I have to say that it is not easy battling loneliness when I’m are so used to having someone by my side always. Everyday without failed, I will think of her, my ex-wife, of what is she doing currently & so on. Basically, I miss having a loving family by my side. A wife & daughter to love me unconditionally. I admit I am mising them so much to a point that I cried thinking about it instantly.

However, so many things have happened this month alone. I was swarmed with lots of work,  my company’s activities & my personal life. I’m practically juggling time with tons of work in school, my cluster leader job & weekends with my daughter. I went crazy at daily basis & I know this has to stop!

After much thinking & evaluating the situation, I decided to step down my role as Cluster Leader so that I’m able to focus more on my school’s work & my daughter. Things are getting better now. Sometimes I wonders to myself to why I accepted the post in the first place. Later I realised that it has to do with my divorced.

The thing is subconsciously, I took up the role so that I can keep myself busy & not thinking about the pain & sorrows of my divorced. Now I know it’s a wrong move by me. In fact, I got depressed because of it. My moral was so low that I wasn’t eager to go to work anymore. This is unlike me so I know I have to let go of it even though I know I will lose the allowance for the post. I don’t care & wants my self esteem back badly.

Moving on is a slow process. I will be selling the house next month or so. I will then move back to my old place in Woodlands temporarily for 2 years before getting my own house again when I reach the age of 35.

It will be another busy months ahead with moving house & those annoying HDB procedure appointments etcs.. Arrg..

I know I need to put in more effort on realising that my ex-wife won’t come back to me anymore & I really need to move on if I ever want happiness in my life. It won’t be easy to stop loving her but I know I have to in order to get on with my life. After months of efforts in forgetting her, I’m still not able to find a way & failed miserably.

I can’t force myself to hate her because she’s the mother of my daughter. I don’t want my daughter to suffer if I do that. Somehow as I search for answers to my problems for months, I realised that I can never stop loving her even though how much I want to. It simply cannot be done at all. So I will give up trying to stop loving her & focus on other meaningful things like making sure my daughter grow up normal even though her Abah & Mommy are divorced.

My love for my ex-wife is eternal forever & that cannot be change. I know I have kept my promise that I will still love her no matter what happen. That promise is now been clearly shown in this circumstances. I have kept my promise to her & that really makes me happy which is kind of weird when you look at it at different perspective.

So is that an indication that I have or on my way in moving on with my life? I think it is. The fact that I’m able to accept the fact that I’m still in love with her & that she won’t come back to me ever, has made me focus on my daughter more than ever. The fact that all these has made me think about others than myself really are indication of me moving on with life.

However, as good as it sounds on moving on in my life, I am still unable to open my heart to love anyone yet. I’m sure it will take a long time before I can even open a small window of my heart. I have lost faith in receiving love from others especially when they promised it’s for eternal life. I’ve learned the hard way & will be making sure it won’t ever happen to me ever again. Never!!!

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